Well I can’t…I am sure you are shocked that I am blogging. But that is actually not the ‘Can you believe it?’ that I am referring to. What I can’t believe is that tomorrow will be one YEAR since I went into the office at Christian Adoption Services with my application and a check…and shaking hands and a commitment to adopt Vanessa. This past weekend was one year since the longest 3 days of my life. The three days in which Chad and I threw caution to the wind, squelched a million fears, and took a leap of faith. Saying “Yes” to God was not easy. It was terrifying. But at one point in the weekend I remember lying in our bed, in the dark of night, talking and wondering about all the what-ifs. We talked about obedience. We talked about our 3 bio kids and what this would mean for them. We talked about Vanessa and what this would mean for her. We talked about money. We talked about everything. And then we landed on that we knew that we knew that we knew that this is what God was calling us to. No matter what. What we really did was decide to die to ourselves and our wants and say yes to the kingdom of God. I really believe that. And let me promise you, as terrifying as it was, I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. One thing that Chad said that will always stick with me is, “What if we said no and missed something wonderful God had for us?” Let me promise you, we would have missed something wonderful. I would have missed having another daughter, Lizzie having a sister, and my boys having another sister. We would have missed God providing every single penny we needed for our adoption! I would have missed having four children. Do you know how I LOVE to say to people that I have FOUR kids??? And how I love even more the chance to tell them that God did it??? That he grew our family again when we didn’t expect it, or plan it, or even dream it, he did it anyway. Because he loves us, and he loves our daughter. Do you know how humbled I am that God would trust me to parent her? A sweet girl so in need of parenting…that he would consider Chad and I worthy of being her parents still knocks me straight to my knees.
We have learned a million lessons, maybe more. One of my favorites is that when you say YES, you better be ready and then you better get out of the way, because God is about to SHOW UP! And oh, how he has shown up…my relationship with the Lord (and Chad’s too I am safe to say) has gone to such a level that I never thought possible. I trust him about a million times more with everything in my life. And I thought I trusted him before! When I say God called us to this, I think it doesn’t sound like a strong enough phrase. I feel that God has called me to things before, like marrying Chad, or becoming a mother, or women’s ministry. But THIS calling was so strong…we felt like we were flying high right smack in the middle of God’s will and it is by far my favorite place to be. I want him to call me to something else, so I can be there again. I loved it. I wish I could find a way to find that feeling in my everyday life, not just in the big things.
Some things about this journey have been very hard, I will not lie. But God has been tender with us and handled us so gently. There is much left to this journey. On February 16th, Vanessa will have been here 6 months and she will OFFICIALLY be ours…her name will officially change and our adoption will be final. In some ways I though we would be farther by this point and in other areas, I can’t believe we’ve come this far. We realize that is just how it is and that we keep putting one foot in front of the other. Please know that we still have hard days…I think a lot of people thought the hard part was over when we got home. In actuality, everything leading up to our landing at the airport was the Prologue. When we stepped off the airplane we started Chapter 1. Vanessa is doing beautifully at school and in all of her relationships, both at home and school. We are waiting for that magic moment when we think she really believes that we will be her parents forever. I am waiting with much anticipation for her to call me Mom. I know it is worth the wait, because when she says it, she will mean it. I would rather wait than have it be empty. She did however, write a note to me that started with “Mom-” this week so I see progress. 🙂 I savor every baby step we take!
I feel that I have rambled on too long! Keep praying for us! We love and cherish your prayers and involvement more that you will ever know! I will try to blog more often!