I have sat down to write this post a thousand times.  Well, maybe not a thousand, but quite a few :).  I have to confess that I am spending a lot of time reading other people’s blogs, especially post-adoption blogs instead of writing my own.  There is an understanding and a camaraderie there that I cannot explain.  I am so encouraged by reading their stories and by knowing I am truly not alone in this. 

In all honesty, this is hard.  Adoption is hard.  We have an enemy.  He wants our daughter to remain an orphan, at least in her heart.  He wants Chad and I to feel completely inadequate in every way.  He wants our other children to feel abandoned.  He wants us in complete isolation and alone.  He wants to separate us from those who support us.  His goal is to seek out the weak and destroy them.  And some days I feel like he is winning.  I feel like I am the weak one and he is destroying every bit of joy in my life.  I have cried, I have been angry, I have been overwhelmed.  

The good news is that I know those are just feelings and I know the TRUTH.  The truth is that as long as we HOLD FAST to God he will not abandon us.  Ever.  He will mold us into a family and HE will write a great story.  I have said before, (and cringed every time) that there is SUCH POWER in being broken-hearted for the things that break God’s heart…and to go through the hard things FOR God and WITH God has blessings that are unable to be counted.  But in the midst of them, they are hard. 

Do not get me wrong…….I do not regret this and would do it again.  Vanessa is a fabulous girl and she IS OUR DAUGHTER.  We will never question if this decision was right.  We know it was God’s plan for us…we know that we know that we know.  But it is kind of like having a baby or getting married or any big life change.  The lead up is so exciting and then the honeymoon is over and you’ve had your first big fight, or your baby is peeing blood because she is not getting enough milk (poor Lizzie), or your adopted daughter cries for hours and is sick all night because she is simply overwhelmed with grief.  And you feel like she is miserable here.  And this was supposed to be a good thing. 

That my friends, is the honest truth.  If you see me and I look a little on the edge, it is because I am.  If I smile and say “Everything is great!” I might be lying so that I do not come unglued and cry all over your shirt and embarrass you in the grocery store (or McAllister’s sorry Little family).  Some days everything is great and some days it is so hard that it literally takes my breath away.  Some days I stand in the shower and cry…and some days when I get home from dropping the kids off at school I lay on my bed with a catatonic look on my face.  But I know that the God we serve can handle this and he is a master at healing and redemption and restoration.  HE CAN DO IT.  We will fight our enemy and we will win.

My favorite quote of all time is from the last scenes from Return of the King.  It is Aragorn’s speech.  There are moments when I feel like I am standing at the Black Gate.  Here it is….

Sons of Gondor! Of Rohan! My brothers. I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of Men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of wolves and shattered shields when the Age of Men comes crashing down, but it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West!

Can I beg you to pray for us???  ♥amy


4 responses »

  1. I love your honesty and your heart….as raw as it may feel. You have an army of prayer warriors standing with you. Even in the grief and sadness, your story is one of joy and one written by your Heavenly Father. What a testimony to be used by Him in such a tremendous way! Thank you for sharing your story with us….the good, the bad, and the ugly. You are an encouragement and a blessing to all. 🙂

  2. Here for the whole Martin family…seriously…in fact, have to be down your way tomorrow sometime….so, maybe , just maybe, we could cross paths….

  3. Hi Amy;

    Thanks so much for the update.. I arrived back in the Philippines yesterday am.
    Thanks for being transparent.. Keep trusting in our creator… Vanessa’s Creator! He has power and dominion over all and has planned this adoption from the very beginning…. Yes, I am sure there will be sad days and happy days…. but God is in the midst of it all.
    Please be assured that I prayed immediately when I read your email and did feel your heart….. I will continue to pray for your WHOLE family!!!!

    God Bless
    Love & prayers


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