Well, it’s not much, but it is something!  We have progress…and I have something else to do!  I love to have something to do!  It makes me feel like I have control over SOMETHING!  I got a “Biometrics” letter from the Dept of Homeland Security stating that it was time for Chad and I to go get fingerprinted for the FBI system.  That sounds crazy, we will officially be in the system now.  Our appointment is on the 29th but Chad and I are going to just show up on the 18th per the advice of our case worker.  It speeds us up almost 2 weeks if they will see us without an appointment! 

It got me thinking about fingerprints and genetics and everything we know about our children.  I don’t know any of these things about her.  I know her face.  But not all of her freckles/moles the way I do on my kids.  I don’t know her fingernails, or how her hair looks when she has just gotten out of the shower.  I do not know many of her likes or dislikes, although I know a few.  The good news is the one who chose for her to be ours KNOWS all these things.  He has her literally engraved on the palm of his hand.  He knit her together in her mother’s womb and knows every hair on her head.  His heart has broken over the things that has broken hers.  He has gathered up her tears.  What a privilege that he would now entrust her to us.  Oh how I pray we will not waste one single second of this experience!  How I pray that it will all be to His glory!

It hurts me when I think about HOW MUCH I HAVE MISSED.  I pray daily that I won’t miss any more major milestones like birthdays or school programs, and Lord willing, I will not.  And I will be there for SO MANY things that will really matter for the long haul.  Every birthday, Christmas, Gotcha Day, graduations, weddings, successes, failures…I want to be there for every one of them.  I look so forward to the day when she looks out and sees me there to watch her or pick her up  or any of the seemingly mundane parenting things I do and say to someone near her, “That’s my mom.” or “My mom is here, I gotta go.”  And if I think that means a lot to me…I am blown away when I think of what that will mean to her. 

I haven’t talked much about the kids on here, but Lizzie had a moment the other day when she said, “Mom, I am so scared about _____.”  I thought to myself that the moment had arrived where she was going to tell me she was chickening out.  How I should have known better.  When I questioned her further she simply stated that she was afraid that one day she would have to walk her to class and leave her there.  How she was terrified of leaving her anywhere.  She wants me to see if they can be in all the same classes so that her new sister will never feel abandoned.  Ever again.  Oh. my.  She is her mother’s daughter.  How I wept the day I took HER to middle school.  How I love the ponderings of her heart.  It is so apparent to me that God is doing a mighty work in her heart as well, and giving her a sense of protectiveness without ever having met her.

So…there are the wanderings of my mind today.  I know it is all over the place.  But if you have talked to me lately you are not surprised.  I actually forgot that I even had a very extensive conversation with a friend the other day and called her to have the SAME conversation.  Until she reminded me we had already had it.  Don’t tell our Psych Eval Dr.  =) 



4 responses »

  1. Amy, your wanderings are beautiful! I am sitting here joyfully weeping for you and your family and this amazing journey. You have such a tender heart and it is precious to see that displayed in Lizzie as well. What a blessing you will be to your new daughter. Praying for you all!

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