Springtime

It is hard to believe that it was Valentine’s Day the last time I posted on here!  I guess no news is good news right?  We have continued to move right along.  Some days are unbelievable.  So much joy in our home and so much harmony that it is impossible to believe that she has been home a mere 8 and a half months.  And then other days there is still an air of uncertainty.  I find that there are things I don’t know how to parent.  I find that attachment may be an ever elusive term.  How do you know when you are there?  How will we know that we are attached?  When will she believe that she is really staying forever?  I think she knows it in her head…but when will she believe it with her heart?

This is really God’s story….NOT MINE!  It only is mine in the sense that I get to show off his glory in our lives.  That is the beauty of following God into his kingdom.  There are moments where I feel discouraged, I guess that is really true of all parenting, but there are moments when God whispers to me, “Look how far she has come.”  And she has…we all have.  And by God’s unending grace we will continue to move forward.

For all intents and purposes and from a world view Vanessa is doing great!  She sings, she dances, she has friends that she hangs out with…she does homework, goes to youth group and watches movies with her siblings.  I want you all to know how very happy she is!  She is a very different girl than the one we brought home.  She was OH SO SHY when we first arrived in the Philippines to pick her up and in the first weeks home.  I honestly thought that “shy” was just her personality.  Nope.  Maybe it is the bad influence of our very loud family, or maybe it is the security of home.  But she is no longer the once shy girl we brought home in August.

We have been blessed.  We have had the privilege of watching other adoptive families bring their children home.  We have been blessed to talk to several families interested in adoption about our experience.  Some have made the decision to move forward and some have not…which again is all God’s plan.

Here are some pics from the Spring…

Valentine’s Day Card, from Chad

I don’t know about you but I hate picking out V-Day cards.  It is hard to find one card that says it all so I end up settling for a card and adding a few words of my own.  This year I found myself reflecting a little more on the whole love thing and what I wanted to express to Amy…after all, this has been quite a year for all of us and no card can even begin to express my feelings and gratitude for her. 

So, I decided to write a blog post instead of spending a small fortune on a card…I am not sure if this follows the blog etiquette, but you can send your complaints to Amy since it is her blog! 

When I think about the past six months these words come to mind:  grace, patience, and courage.  As a family we have learned so much during the transition of Team Martin.  I am proud of the courage that all our children have displayed and God has given us just enough patience and grace when we needed it.  When I look back I often ask “how did we do it?”  God’s grace continues to be sufficient and we give Him all the glory for His faithfulness. (Psalm 115:1)

In addition to God’s grace a lot of credit goes to Amy for modeling and living out grace, patience, and courage for our family.  I am proud of her and while she would never admit it, she has been strong and brave.  I’ve read Proverbs 31 and there are a lot of things in there about a wife, but here are some of the reasons (not found in a card) that I love my wife and the mother of my children…

• After returning from the Philippines during her first trip she didn’t pressure me to go back, but simply said, “I am just going to pray that God will lead us and He will get you there if that is His plan”
• She worked tirelessly to complete all the adoption papers and process in record time because she said WE have to get our girl home…We have missed too much of her life already.
• She also continues to work with our adoption agency to speak with families who are considering adoption and is the number 1 supporter of those children that need homes. 
• She isn’t afraid to say that sometimes being a mother of four and navigating this transition is hard and some days just plain sucks
• She always finds time to meet with ladies for coffee who just need to talk and is willing to listen even when she doesn’t have all the answers
• She always adds that special touch that makes us feel special…I have always said she is the fine china in my paper plate life. 
• She keeps me accountable and reminds me that life isn’t always neat and tidy
• She’s my biggest cheerleader and believes in me…even when I fail.
• She isn’t afraid to say, “don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my coffee” and “I hate mornings”
• She reminds our children about the important things in life even when they don’t want to hear it
• She’s never met a stranger and loves people and believes God is enough

I thought about closing with a verse from Proverbs 31, but instead I decided to quote a country song by Alabama…”She’s close enough to perfect for me”.   You see…life is hard and following Jesus isn’t always easy…it’s messy and complicated…the path is not always smooth.  Having a wife who gets this and is still willing to stay on the journey with us is enough for me. 

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Can You Believe It??

Well I can’t…I am sure you are shocked that I am blogging.  But that is actually not the ‘Can you believe it?’ that I am referring to.  What I can’t believe is that tomorrow will be one YEAR since I went into the office at Christian Adoption Services with my application and a check…and shaking hands and a commitment to adopt Vanessa.  This past weekend was one year since the longest 3 days of my life.  The three days in which Chad and I threw caution to the wind, squelched a million fears, and took a leap of faith.  Saying “Yes” to God was not easy.  It was terrifying.  But at one point in the weekend I remember lying in our bed, in the dark of night, talking and wondering about all the what-ifs.  We talked about obedience.  We talked about our 3 bio kids and what this would mean for them.  We talked about Vanessa and what this would mean for her.  We talked about money.  We talked about everything.  And then we landed on that we knew that we knew that we knew that this is what God was calling us to.  No matter what.  What we really did was decide to die to ourselves and our wants and say yes to the kingdom of God.  I really believe that.  And let me promise you, as terrifying as it was, I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.  One thing that Chad said that will always stick with me is, “What if we said no and missed something wonderful God had for us?”  Let me promise you, we would have missed something wonderful.  I would have missed having another daughter, Lizzie having a sister, and my boys having another sister.  We would have missed God providing every single penny we needed for our adoption!  I would have missed having four children.  Do you know how I LOVE to say to people that I have FOUR kids???  And how I love even more the chance to tell them that God did it???  That he grew our family again when we didn’t expect it, or plan it, or even dream it, he did it anyway.  Because he loves us, and he loves our daughter.  Do you know how humbled I am that God would trust me to parent her?  A sweet girl so in need of parenting…that he would consider Chad and I worthy of being her parents still knocks me straight to my knees.

We have learned a million lessons, maybe more.  One of my favorites is that when you say YES, you better be ready and then you better get out of the way, because God is about to SHOW UP!  And oh, how he has shown up…my relationship with the Lord (and Chad’s too I am safe to say) has gone to such a level that I never thought possible.  I trust him about a million times more with everything in my life.  And I thought I trusted him before!  When I say God called us to this, I think it doesn’t sound like a strong enough phrase.  I feel that God has called me to things before, like marrying Chad, or becoming a mother, or women’s ministry.  But THIS calling was so strong…we felt like we were flying high right smack in the middle of God’s will and it is by far my favorite place to be.  I want him to call me to something else, so I can be there again.  I loved it.  I wish I could find a way to find that feeling in my everyday life, not just in the big things. 

Some things about this journey have been very hard, I will not lie.  But God has been tender with us and handled us so gently.  There is much left to this journey.  On February 16th, Vanessa will have been here 6 months and she will OFFICIALLY be ours…her name will officially change and our adoption will be final.  In some ways I though we would be farther by this point and in other areas, I can’t believe we’ve come this far.  We realize that is just how it is and that we keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Please know that we still have hard days…I think a lot of people thought the hard part was over when we got home.  In actuality, everything leading up to our landing at the airport was the Prologue.  When we stepped off the airplane we started Chapter 1. Vanessa is doing beautifully at school and in all of her relationships, both at home and school.  We are waiting for that magic moment when we think she really believes that we will be her parents forever.  I am waiting with much anticipation for her to call me Mom.  I know it is worth the wait, because when she says it, she will mean it.  I would rather wait than have it be empty.  She did however, write a note to me that started with ”Mom-” this week so I see progress.    I savor every baby step we take!

I feel that I have rambled on too long!  Keep praying for us!  We love and cherish your prayers and involvement more that you will ever know!  I will try to blog more often!

♥amy 

Preparations for Christmas

I cannot believe it is already December 12! On the 16th Vanessa will have been home for 4 months. Time is flying by! She is doing so wonderfully! We are seeing her adjust so much now as the homesickness is fading. She has made a sweet friend with a girl in our neighborhood. I am so thrilled about this and can see a definite change in her since this has happened. School is going well, although pre-algebra is certainly a challenge. She is working so hard and we know that she will be successful.

She is enjoying the Christmas season. ABC Family plays 24 hour Christmas movies and on the weekends she is watching them almost around the clock! She has enjoyed the baking and the decorating. Yesterday she got to experience her first parade in our sweet little town! Her friend and she painted their nails to look like candy canes. I have to admit…she is seeming more and more like an American teenager. SHOCKING I know! The other thing she has loved is surprising Samuel every morning by having his “magical” elf, Rebecca, do mischievous things around the house. The heartbreaking part…one night after designing an elaborate hoax she said, “I wish I was still little enough to believe in this.” It slayed me. I too wish she had been with me since she was a little girl. I wish I had been able to protect her from so much heartbreak! There is so much struggle in my mind as to why her life had to be so hard and have so much abandonment and loss and change.

On the flip side…one recent success we have had is that after hearing that there were some changes at the children’s home where she lived, the girls are living in a new place, she said, “I am glad I am not there.” I know this may not seem like much to you all, but it took all I had not to jump up and down with pure joy! I am really waiting to hear her say that she is glad she is here. Time will provide for that, I am sure.

We are looking forward to having her experience Christmas with us. God has blessed us with an amazing year and when I think about how much I was missing her last year and that this year the “unadoptable” girl is LIVING IN MY HOUSE…AND SHE IS MY DAUGHTER NOW!!!! Two verses have now combined in my mind…the first I have shared before from Deuteronomy 10:20-21 20 Fear the LORD your God and serve him. Hold fast to him and take your oaths in his name. 21 He is the one you praise; he is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes.   I am certain I never want to forget all the great and awesome wonders I have seen with my own eyes, (and continue to see).  The second that has come to me during the Christmas season is from the story of Jesus’ birth from Mary’s point of view.  Let’s remember, Mary rode on a donkey to Bethlehem, full term and possibly in the early stages of labor, had a baby in a cave or barn of some sort with stinky animals all around, without the benefit of a dr, epidural, hospital bed, or even electricity (and her approximate age is 14, the same as Lizzie)….and then shepherds started showing up.  REALLY?????  I think that must have been what she was thinking!   But in the book of Luke it says…But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.  I want to be like Mary.  When my situation seems stressful or crazy or just plain out of control…instead of saying “REALLY?????”  I want to treasure up all these “great and awesome wonders” I have seen with MY own eyes and ponder how awesome my God is.  That he would allow us to be witness to this adoption and to his true story of redemption in the most beautiful of stories.  Wow.

Thanksgiving

I can hardly think about the word Thanksgiving without choking up.  What a year of thankfulness and change for everyone in our family…Chad and I gained a daughter, Lizzie gained a sister, friend, and roommate, Samuel & Thomas gained a new sister who loves them both, Vanessa gained a family and a new life in America while also leaving behind so many who adore her.  I think every single one of us would agree that we have seen God work in a powerful way for each one of us!  We are so thankful.

12 Weeks!

So hard to believe!  Our girl has been home for 12 weeks today!  We have our three-month visit from the social worker on next Tuesday…so hard to believe.  In some ways it still feels like we just  got home and in other ways it feels like she has been home forever. 

We certainly feel like we are starting to settle a little.    School and homework continue to be a time warp that no one in our family enjoys, but everyone is doing well and moving forward.  Vanessa is certainly getting into the groove of school a little more.  She is the manager for our school basketball team and is really enjoying her time with all those girls every afternoon.  Their first game is tomorrow. 

Thank you for your continued prayers…they bathe us with His grace and give us strength.  Of this truth we are certain. There is so much I want to tell you about what we have been learning, but I am afraid I would not do the story justice at this point.  I am guessing it may take a while longer and better perspective before I can really put it all into words.  Just know that we have learned a lot so far, a lot about grace and mercy. We have learned about  just waiting and praying for the Lord to move and heal and redeem.  And He never fails.  I am sure we will continue to feel this way for many months to come, but for today, we feel good.  Really good!

We are enjoying the fall season, the beautiful leaves and all the fun that comes with this time of year.  Vanessa thoroughly enjoyed her first Halloween and trick-or-treating experience and was not ready to quit even after the big kids did our neighborhood and the neighborhood next door.  She doesn’t even really like candy, but she LOVED trick-or-treating!  We are looking forward to spending Thanksgiving in Augusta with Chad’s family and staying home for Christmas with my family. 

I am going to put up another post in a little while with just photos, but am too lazy to load them into the computer right now…Halloween costumes are always a riot at my house 

♥amy

Honesty

I have sat down to write this post a thousand times.  Well, maybe not a thousand, but quite a few .  I have to confess that I am spending a lot of time reading other people’s blogs, especially post-adoption blogs instead of writing my own.  There is an understanding and a camaraderie there that I cannot explain.  I am so encouraged by reading their stories and by knowing I am truly not alone in this. 

In all honesty, this is hard.  Adoption is hard.  We have an enemy.  He wants our daughter to remain an orphan, at least in her heart.  He wants Chad and I to feel completely inadequate in every way.  He wants our other children to feel abandoned.  He wants us in complete isolation and alone.  He wants to separate us from those who support us.  His goal is to seek out the weak and destroy them.  And some days I feel like he is winning.  I feel like I am the weak one and he is destroying every bit of joy in my life.  I have cried, I have been angry, I have been overwhelmed.  

The good news is that I know those are just feelings and I know the TRUTH.  The truth is that as long as we HOLD FAST to God he will not abandon us.  Ever.  He will mold us into a family and HE will write a great story.  I have said before, (and cringed every time) that there is SUCH POWER in being broken-hearted for the things that break God’s heart…and to go through the hard things FOR God and WITH God has blessings that are unable to be counted.  But in the midst of them, they are hard. 

Do not get me wrong…….I do not regret this and would do it again.  Vanessa is a fabulous girl and she IS OUR DAUGHTER.  We will never question if this decision was right.  We know it was God’s plan for us…we know that we know that we know.  But it is kind of like having a baby or getting married or any big life change.  The lead up is so exciting and then the honeymoon is over and you’ve had your first big fight, or your baby is peeing blood because she is not getting enough milk (poor Lizzie), or your adopted daughter cries for hours and is sick all night because she is simply overwhelmed with grief.  And you feel like she is miserable here.  And this was supposed to be a good thing. 

That my friends, is the honest truth.  If you see me and I look a little on the edge, it is because I am.  If I smile and say “Everything is great!” I might be lying so that I do not come unglued and cry all over your shirt and embarrass you in the grocery store (or McAllister’s sorry Little family).  Some days everything is great and some days it is so hard that it literally takes my breath away.  Some days I stand in the shower and cry…and some days when I get home from dropping the kids off at school I lay on my bed with a catatonic look on my face.  But I know that the God we serve can handle this and he is a master at healing and redemption and restoration.  HE CAN DO IT.  We will fight our enemy and we will win.

My favorite quote of all time is from the last scenes from Return of the King.  It is Aragorn’s speech.  There are moments when I feel like I am standing at the Black Gate.  Here it is….
http://youtu.be/EXGUNvIFTQw

Sons of Gondor! Of Rohan! My brothers. I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of Men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of wolves and shattered shields when the Age of Men comes crashing down, but it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West!

Can I beg you to pray for us???  ♥amy